"Lady Patchouli."
"What?"
Is engaged in the very unenviable task of trying to get Patchouli out of the library. This was the fourth time she was trying this very night, and at this point Koakuma's patience was running low.
"If you don't move from that couch, I'm going to find Meiling and tell her to carry you back to the main rooms."
"..."
Patchouli stares at Koakuma, and then limply raises one arm. Magic takes hold, and she begins to float upwards... coming to a stop when she reaches a couch on a different level of the library.
"There you go. I moved from that couch. Can I finish my book now?"
"...Fine. I will spend Christmas with the others."
Koakuma slightly bows and leaves, letting Patchouli to her own business.
------------------------------------
Standing there is the one and only Sumireko Usami! "Greetings, Miss Knowledge! I represent the Gensokyo Occult Research Club, and I'm seeking donations from those who wish to support us in our quest to discover THE TRUTH!"
"Donate over ten dollars and get this lovely reusable shopping bag!" Sumireko holds up the bag in question, which comes complete with a doodle of her grinning face on it.
"...I've never heard of the Gensokyo Occult Research Club. How big are you?"
"Well, um..."
"..."
Patchouli sighs, leaning on the frame. "...Just you, then?"
"No, there's also Viola."
"I'm not paying." With that declaration, Patchouli begins shutting the door in Sumireko's face.
Holding up the bag and grinning nervously, Sumireko throws out her final offer of "Five dollars for the bag!"... and gets met with a closed door.
------------------------------------
With her long day of rejecting others for books complete, Patchouli finally tucks herself into bed. For once, she only spent half an hour reading before turning off the lights and trying to sleep. Before she can, though, a noise jerks her to attention, and Patchouli sits up and looks around to try and find it.
"Patchouuuuuliiiiii... PATCHOUUUUUULIIIIIIII... god this is stupid"
Looking towards the source of the noise, Patchouli realizes that it's... it's...
"...Who are you again?"
The small girl, covered in flour and wrapped in chains, slumps. "Rin Satsuki."
"...Oh, now I remember. I heard about that whole misadventure. So why are you here? ...And what's with the getup?"
"I'm, uh, your deceased former partner." She suddenly resumes the ghost act and starts rattling the chains. "Doooon't youuuu rememberrrrrrr?"
"Wouldn't Gloria make more sense...?" Patchouli shrugs. "Oh well, I assume you're here to tell me about something, right?"
"You assume correctlyyyyy... Your devotion to books is unhealthy, Patchouliiiii... You are neglecting your fellow man. And so, tonight, you will be visited by three ghosts."
"Counting you?"
"No, not counting me."
"Well, I still think books are more important than Christmas... except when I get more books. Mmm... Thanks for the warning, though. If you want to check something out while you go, ask Koa."
"Oh, cool, thanks. Wait, no, I mean BEWARRRRRE!"
Rin Satsuki leaves to grab herself a book, and Patchy returns to reading in preparation as she waits for the first of the three ghosts...
------------------------------------
Soon enough, Patchy feels her eyes growing tired. Before she can even doze off, there's a knock at her front door. Floating over, Patchy opens the door to find Youmu Konpaku waiting there.
"Patchouli, right?"
"What is it?"
"I'm Youmu - I mean, I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! Here to delve into your past to show you where you went wrong and began neglecting other people for books!"
"Oh god, she wasn't kidding. Do I have to? I wanted to catch up on my reading."
"You kind of do, this is a direct intervention. Come on, let's not stand in the cold all day..."
Youmu steps in, takes Patchouli by the hand, and begins to lead her through the library. As they twist and turn and move, Patchy notices Youmu's ghost half floating alongside. Eventually, Youmu comes to a stop, holding up her ghost half.
"This is where we will look into the past. Now, Patchouli, let's find out when you first became an antisocial shut-in. No offense."
"Eh, none taken."
Youmu and Patchouli look deep into her ghost half, a hazy image slowly appearing within the specter. It forms into a very familiar scene of Patchy sitting on a couch reading. Youmu motions with her hand, and the image... doesn't change.
"...I zoomed back a while, but nothing's different. How long have you been this way?"
"It's been a long time. Try going back farther?"
As Youmu keeps gesturing to her ghost half, the image slowly changes over time... but not by much. Slight changes in Patchy's physique, the occasional appearance of other people, the library losing books and as they wait around long enough, a gradual shrinking of Patchouli herself. Eventually, Youmu stops when a toddler Patchouli is crawling on a book. She looks up at Patchy.
"...Have you ALWAYS preferred books to people?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"...Well, uh... I guess that means I can't really impart anything other than 'you should change your ways.' So... do that, I guess."
Shrugging in confusion, Youmu leads Patchy back to the door, before departing normally. Patchouli watches after the Ghost of Christmas Past, waiting for the next one to arrive.
The first ghost had come and left, but two more remained. Patchouli stays up, waiting to see when the Ghost of Christmas Present would arrive... and waiting... and waiting...
Eventually, Patchy gets up, ready to see if she can actually find that second ghost. As she does so, an ominous shadow looms over her, smiling darkly. Patchouli fearfully turns around...
...and sees Yuyuko. She's eating chips.
"Hiiiiiiiiii~ I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present! But sadly, I don't have a present! It's sad, because I thought that was my job until Youmu told me what I'm reaaaally supposed to do. :C"
"...Right. So, I take it you're here to show me the error of my ways or something like that?"
"Yeah! I mean, you just returned and you don't really show joy or hang out with your friends! Remilia is just craving your attention and missed you for several years and you're just in here in this stuffy place with dust. So I'm about to take you on a Gensokyo tour and show you what you are MISSING OUT~"
Yuyuko strikes a dramatic pose! It actually slightly impresses Patchouli, but you couldn't tell from her expression.
"Let's get going, then. The sooner we get this tour done with..."
With a whirl, Yuyuko grabs Patchy and drags her out, instead of phasing them both through the walls. She shows the currently-pouty Remilia, who was being all tided up and dressed by Sakuya and wanted nothing but to hear Patchy's stories. She saw Meiling, dutifully guarding the manor... aside from the fact that she just let Marisa in for some reason. Up, they flew, over the lakes where Cirno was demanding presents from the other fairies because clearly, she was the best. Patchouli's eyebrows raise at Meiling's actions.
"Well, Marisa had better not be taking any of my books. Otherwise I'll have to do something drastic..."
Over the Youkai Mountain, they went, the kappas gaining juuust enough of a heart to lower their prices and get more business. The tengu were exchanging tabloids and news over cups of hot chocolate. The gods of the shrine lined up gifts for their avid shrine maiden, smiling at each other as they watched Sanae snooze. Budhists and Taoists alike cooperated on this fine day to provide for the needy, while earth rabbits and Eirin cared for the sickly through the cold winter days. And soon enough, they came upon the forest of magic, covered in white, as Alice, with dolls at her side, decorated the trees this fine night.
"Patchouli, right?"
"What is it?"
"I'm Youmu - I mean, I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! Here to delve into your past to show you where you went wrong and began neglecting other people for books!"
"Oh god, she wasn't kidding. Do I have to? I wanted to catch up on my reading."
"You kind of do, this is a direct intervention. Come on, let's not stand in the cold all day..."
Youmu steps in, takes Patchouli by the hand, and begins to lead her through the library. As they twist and turn and move, Patchy notices Youmu's ghost half floating alongside. Eventually, Youmu comes to a stop, holding up her ghost half.
"This is where we will look into the past. Now, Patchouli, let's find out when you first became an antisocial shut-in. No offense."
"Eh, none taken."
Youmu and Patchouli look deep into her ghost half, a hazy image slowly appearing within the specter. It forms into a very familiar scene of Patchy sitting on a couch reading. Youmu motions with her hand, and the image... doesn't change.
"...I zoomed back a while, but nothing's different. How long have you been this way?"
"It's been a long time. Try going back farther?"
As Youmu keeps gesturing to her ghost half, the image slowly changes over time... but not by much. Slight changes in Patchy's physique, the occasional appearance of other people, the library losing books and as they wait around long enough, a gradual shrinking of Patchouli herself. Eventually, Youmu stops when a toddler Patchouli is crawling on a book. She looks up at Patchy.
"...Have you ALWAYS preferred books to people?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"...Well, uh... I guess that means I can't really impart anything other than 'you should change your ways.' So... do that, I guess."
Shrugging in confusion, Youmu leads Patchy back to the door, before departing normally. Patchouli watches after the Ghost of Christmas Past, waiting for the next one to arrive.
------------------------------------
Eventually, Patchy gets up, ready to see if she can actually find that second ghost. As she does so, an ominous shadow looms over her, smiling darkly. Patchouli fearfully turns around...
...and sees Yuyuko. She's eating chips.
"Hiiiiiiiiii~ I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present! But sadly, I don't have a present! It's sad, because I thought that was my job until Youmu told me what I'm reaaaally supposed to do. :C"
"...Right. So, I take it you're here to show me the error of my ways or something like that?"
"Yeah! I mean, you just returned and you don't really show joy or hang out with your friends! Remilia is just craving your attention and missed you for several years and you're just in here in this stuffy place with dust. So I'm about to take you on a Gensokyo tour and show you what you are MISSING OUT~"
Yuyuko strikes a dramatic pose! It actually slightly impresses Patchouli, but you couldn't tell from her expression.
"Let's get going, then. The sooner we get this tour done with..."
With a whirl, Yuyuko grabs Patchy and drags her out, instead of phasing them both through the walls. She shows the currently-pouty Remilia, who was being all tided up and dressed by Sakuya and wanted nothing but to hear Patchy's stories. She saw Meiling, dutifully guarding the manor... aside from the fact that she just let Marisa in for some reason. Up, they flew, over the lakes where Cirno was demanding presents from the other fairies because clearly, she was the best. Patchouli's eyebrows raise at Meiling's actions.
"Well, Marisa had better not be taking any of my books. Otherwise I'll have to do something drastic..."
Over the Youkai Mountain, they went, the kappas gaining juuust enough of a heart to lower their prices and get more business. The tengu were exchanging tabloids and news over cups of hot chocolate. The gods of the shrine lined up gifts for their avid shrine maiden, smiling at each other as they watched Sanae snooze. Budhists and Taoists alike cooperated on this fine day to provide for the needy, while earth rabbits and Eirin cared for the sickly through the cold winter days. And soon enough, they came upon the forest of magic, covered in white, as Alice, with dolls at her side, decorated the trees this fine night.
As Patchouli looks over the scenes of togetherness and friendship, a thought comes to her head.
"...Am I the only person in all of Gensokyo who would rather just stay indoors and read today?"
"Probably," Yuyuko admitted with a smile. "Even Gloria, the biggest other bookworm I know, spends time with her family today! And gives the gifts... OF BOOOOOOO-OOOH REIMU'S HOUSE!"
"Well I feel- woah slow down there!" Yuyuko dove down towards the Hakurei Shrine, Patchouli in tow. Both could see the festive lights and the festive people who were inside, having the feast of their lives. They could see Reimu watching in horror as Kaito and Suika tried to outdrink each other, Yukari sneaking away some presents of hers to open earlier than 12 today.
Yuyuko lets go if only for a moment... just to shove an entire cherry pie down her gullet as Patchy watches in awe.
"Geez, that's a bigger appetite than Sarah's, isn't it? ...Oh, hi, Reimu. Yuyuko's dragging me around Gensokyo as part of some Christmas spirit thing."
Reimu stared at Patchy like she was crazy, before she blinked and smiled. "About time," she said. "It's nice to see you outside of the library. Want to join us for a bit? Yuyuko miiight be staying here a while."
"Eh, I don't think I should. There's a third ghost I have to meet with, or something. I imagine I'll get in trouble if I'm not there to meet them, so..."
"Oh, well..." The shrine maiden shrugged, then dragged and dropped both Yuyuko and Patchouli onto the soft, snowy ground. "Better get going, then! You can meet up with me later, Yuyuko."
"Eh, I don't think I should. There's a third ghost I have to meet with, or something. I imagine I'll get in trouble if I'm not there to meet them, so..."
"Oh, well..." The shrine maiden shrugged, then dragged and dropped both Yuyuko and Patchouli onto the soft, snowy ground. "Better get going, then! You can meet up with me later, Yuyuko."
Yuyuko whined, "But Reimu-" "No buts." With a frown, Yuyuko grabbed Patchouli and led her back to the Library, taking various shortcuts to bring her back at a reasonable hour. Once they were back, the friendly ghost smiled again and said, "So now do you see what you're missing?" she asked. "Because it's a lot, and I'm sure your friends would love to see you! Again, it's been so long since you've seen them and spent so much time with that silly skull~"
"Alright, alright, I'll consider it. But only after all this spirit nonsense is over, okay? Okay."
With a wave and a flop through the wall, Yuyuko was gone, leaving Patchouli to stew in her own thoughts.
------------------------------------
As Patchy waits and reads and thinks, a figure emerges from the gloom. Clad in a full body cloak, complete with a hood hiding all of their identity, the Ghost of Christmas Future dramatically emerges. Even having expected this, Patchouli shrinks back, as one hand rises up to grip the hood...
...And with a flourish, Komachi Onozuka pulls back the hood of her cloak and grins at Patchouli.
"Sup, Patchy?"
"...Oh, it's you."
"Aw, c'mon, play along! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future, here to show you the horrible consequences of you ignoring other people in favor of books. You wanna just skip to the bad future?"
"Sure, why not. It's not like I have anything better to do... or a choice, really."
"Great!"
With a wave of her scythe, Komachi rips open a mysterious portal. Waving Patchouli forward, Komachi follows her to a strangely darkened version of the library.
"Welcome... to the FUTUREEEEE! You're dead at this point, by the way."
"What, just like that?"
"Yeah, a giant stack of books fell on you one night. No chance of escape."
"Huh. ...Not a surprising way to go."
As Patchouli watches, Marisa enters the library. She starts stuffing as many books as she can in a sack, and continues to cart off bookbag after bookbag.
"With you out of the picture, nobody was stopping Marisa from grabbing as many books as she wanted. The library was basically shut up anyway, nobody else read as much as you did."
"That's... disappointing. What's the use of having all these books if nobody reads them?"
"Marisa's reading them!"
"SHE DOESN'T COUNT"
Komachi shrugs, before turning to Patchy.
"So... no chance of you changing your mind?"
"Not really."
"If I showed you everyone's sad reactions, would you stop reading so much?"
"...Probably not? I mean there's no guarantee I'll actually get squashed, especially now that I know what's coming."
"So it's come to this, then. I have no choice but to use my trump card. Allow me to show you, Patchouli Knowledge, what awaits you in the afterlife if your life continues this way!"
Before Patchy has time to react, Komachi suddenly hurls her through another portal. Landing on a cold floor, Patchouli looks up at the judge of the afterlife, Shiki Eiki. The judge's powerful glare bores holes into Patchy's heart, such is how judgemental she is.
"Patchouli Knowledge. You wasted your life in books, neglecting friends, health, and the world for nothing more than your fictions. For that, I will impose the harshest sentence I can think of!"
With a dramatic flourish, Shiki Eiki points to something behind Patchouli. A lighting strike illuminates it, revealing it to be a giant treadmill.
"I sentence you to run on the Treadmill of Judgement, until you have worked off all your sins of sloth!"
"No.
No!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
In shock, Patchouli drops to the ground, pleading with Shiki.
"Anything but that! Anything! I'll change my ways! I'll pay attention to my friends! I'll stop ignoring them for my books! Please, just give me another chance!"
As Patchouli yells, the world grows dark around her...
As Patchy waits and reads and thinks, a figure emerges from the gloom. Clad in a full body cloak, complete with a hood hiding all of their identity, the Ghost of Christmas Future dramatically emerges. Even having expected this, Patchouli shrinks back, as one hand rises up to grip the hood...
...And with a flourish, Komachi Onozuka pulls back the hood of her cloak and grins at Patchouli.
"Sup, Patchy?"
"...Oh, it's you."
"Aw, c'mon, play along! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future, here to show you the horrible consequences of you ignoring other people in favor of books. You wanna just skip to the bad future?"
"Sure, why not. It's not like I have anything better to do... or a choice, really."
"Great!"
With a wave of her scythe, Komachi rips open a mysterious portal. Waving Patchouli forward, Komachi follows her to a strangely darkened version of the library.
"Welcome... to the FUTUREEEEE! You're dead at this point, by the way."
"What, just like that?"
"Yeah, a giant stack of books fell on you one night. No chance of escape."
"Huh. ...Not a surprising way to go."
As Patchouli watches, Marisa enters the library. She starts stuffing as many books as she can in a sack, and continues to cart off bookbag after bookbag.
"With you out of the picture, nobody was stopping Marisa from grabbing as many books as she wanted. The library was basically shut up anyway, nobody else read as much as you did."
"That's... disappointing. What's the use of having all these books if nobody reads them?"
"Marisa's reading them!"
"SHE DOESN'T COUNT"
Komachi shrugs, before turning to Patchy.
"So... no chance of you changing your mind?"
"Not really."
"If I showed you everyone's sad reactions, would you stop reading so much?"
"...Probably not? I mean there's no guarantee I'll actually get squashed, especially now that I know what's coming."
"So it's come to this, then. I have no choice but to use my trump card. Allow me to show you, Patchouli Knowledge, what awaits you in the afterlife if your life continues this way!"
Before Patchy has time to react, Komachi suddenly hurls her through another portal. Landing on a cold floor, Patchouli looks up at the judge of the afterlife, Shiki Eiki. The judge's powerful glare bores holes into Patchy's heart, such is how judgemental she is.
"Patchouli Knowledge. You wasted your life in books, neglecting friends, health, and the world for nothing more than your fictions. For that, I will impose the harshest sentence I can think of!"
With a dramatic flourish, Shiki Eiki points to something behind Patchouli. A lighting strike illuminates it, revealing it to be a giant treadmill.
"I sentence you to run on the Treadmill of Judgement, until you have worked off all your sins of sloth!"
"No.
No!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
In shock, Patchouli drops to the ground, pleading with Shiki.
"Anything but that! Anything! I'll change my ways! I'll pay attention to my friends! I'll stop ignoring them for my books! Please, just give me another chance!"
As Patchouli yells, the world grows dark around her...
------------------------------------
Waking up in a panic, Patchouli flops out of bed, still entangled in her covers. She thrashes around, before realizing that she's fighting with blankets and calms down. Koakuma runs over in a panic, only to be grabbed around the shoulders by Patchouli.
"Koakuma! Koa, what day is it?"
"It's Christmas, Lady Patchouli."
"Then there's still time! I can still avoid an eternity of exercise!"
"Wait, what?"
Before Koakuma can get an explanation, Patchouli leans out the window. Noticing Sumireko standing outside, Patchouli throws ten bucks and five books on the occult at her, before running back into the mansion. Sumireko stares at the loot in front of her, before gathering it up.
"WHY THANK YOU VERY MUCH DEAREST FRIEND AND DO HAVE YOURSELF A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
Waking up in a panic, Patchouli flops out of bed, still entangled in her covers. She thrashes around, before realizing that she's fighting with blankets and calms down. Koakuma runs over in a panic, only to be grabbed around the shoulders by Patchouli.
"Koakuma! Koa, what day is it?"
"It's Christmas, Lady Patchouli."
"Then there's still time! I can still avoid an eternity of exercise!"
"Wait, what?"
Before Koakuma can get an explanation, Patchouli leans out the window. Noticing Sumireko standing outside, Patchouli throws ten bucks and five books on the occult at her, before running back into the mansion. Sumireko stares at the loot in front of her, before gathering it up.
"WHY THANK YOU VERY MUCH DEAREST FRIEND AND DO HAVE YOURSELF A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
Running into the dining room, Patchouli has to stop and catch her breath at the table, before noticing everyone else gathered around the tree. She quickly flop over in front of them.
"Remilia! Flandre! Sakuya! MERRY CHRISTMAS! I'll spend it with all of you this year and every year! I'll change my ways! I promise! No more ghosts except the ones we invite, no more staying inside the library every day of the year, just most of them! As long as I can avoid a treadmill!"
And that is the story of how Patchouli Knowledge learned to better prioritize books and people, truly an inspiring story for the Christmas Season.
...Or at least a very silly one.
==================
(Huge thanks to Gooper Blooper for the Sumireko and Rin Satsuki scenes and HarpyKuro for the Yuyuko scene!
And also... Merry Book Reading Day!
I mean Christmas.)
And also... Merry Book Reading Day!
I mean Christmas.)
God bless us, everyhou!
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